Power Seller

I am on top of the world! OK, maybe not like Leo DiCaprio on the prow of the Titanic, but pretty doggone smug and proud of myself. I have sold not one, but two books on Amazon.com this week.

It is my finger-in-the-eye to the bastards at the college bookstore who have the nerve to charge me $120 (dollars, American) for a science text and then turn around and offer me $20 (pesos, Mexican) at the end of an 8-week semester. Ha! I'm stickin' it to the man! So far, I've made about $100 bucks back, which is still not what my initial outlay was, but far better than the chicken scratch I would have gotten at the "textbook buy back" AKA "bend over and let us slip this into your backside".

BTW, today is Tim's birthday. If you know him, give him a call. He'd love to hear from you.

Jitters

I went to an all-day meeting of my nursing school yesterday. Sitting through the morning as the orientation packet was read practically verbatim, I had a sinking feeling in my solar plexus. I am suffering from an acute case of the jitters. Or, as they say in Latin, "jitterum nauseaum nervosum".

I don't know why I ever thought this would be a good idea. I am looking through packets of information and can't make heads or tails of it. I don't know what I'm doing, and I will be found out shortly. Ugh.

Unfortunately, I think it's too late to back out now. As they told Princess Diana, "Your face is on the tea towels, Duchess!" Maybe I can use one to wipe my sweaty brow.

Summer Breeze

Standing doing dishes tonight, I caught a whiff of the air outside. Even though it's August, and should be super-hot, it isn't. It's about 60 degrees and the breeze had the smell of cold and woodsmoke to it that reminds me that summer is winding down, and the seasons are getting ready to change once again.

Even though I like the Fall, it always makes me sad when it comes. Because I know winter follows right behind, that season that I hate with every fiber of my soul. It takes everything I have not to be depressed, and knowing that I will be cooped up again soon makes me edgy.

Also, I always do a mental review of the summer the kids have had. Were there enough trips to the pool? Playdates with friends? Ice cream cones and fireflies? Somewhere deep down, I feel like I need to make their summers really good, so when they're grown they'll have lots of happy memories to look back on. The problem with this is that I always feel like I have somehow failed in the "magical mom" category. I want to make it all great, but the reality is that some days are just plain, spent inside because it's too hot, and sometimes it's just too much trouble to pack up and go to a lake for the day. Most times, in fact.

But if we only remember moments, then I hope that the boys have had enough moments to be able to say, "What an awesome summer!"

Wake Up!

I have been awake since 6:00 am. Not because I have to be somewhere. Not because I had any trouble sleeping last night. Not even because the Joe woke up. No, I am awake because my husband has a so-called "job" and because he set his alarm and likes to listen to it for a while before he shuts it off. (OK, he does have a real job that should not be set off in quotes.)

But no matter how much I like Kid Rock, I really don't like to be jolted out of a sound sleep by "All Summer Long" being played for fifteen minutes that early in the day.

No Excuses

Since deciding to go back to nursing school, an undertaking that I realize will require a huge commitment of time and effort, I have struggled with a few twinges of Mommy Guilt. This is new to me, having been a stay-at-home-mom for lo these nine years. Even before that, I worked part-time at a job that was not very taxing, so I never felt that I was taking anything away from the kids/husband/family.

I have gone back and forth about leaving Joey with a sitter, and the guilt that accompanies that. The other boys are at school all day, and I don't think my school schedule will impact them much at all. I felt like, "OK, so now the trach's out, and I just dump him as soon as I can." Keep in mind that when the trach was in, NO ONE other than Tim or I was able to watch him (except Kristi, who is awesome!). As a consequence, I have spent more time with Joe than both of the other boys put together. But that doesn't exempt me from the aforementioned Mommy Guilt.

Then I decided, the heck with it. I am not going to spend the next four semesters torturing myself about this. I have worked hard to get here, I love to learn, and by God, I'm gonna enjoy it. So there.

Until a very nice lady from church and I got talking on Sunday. I told her my plans, and she said, "Oh, is Joey old enough for school already ?" Um, no, and at this point I don't really know if or when he will be able to go to school. But I didn't say that. What I said was, "Nope, he isn't, but I have found a great lady that just loves him who will watch him for me while I'm at school." And I didn't defend it, or feel guilty about it, or make excuses for it. There are lots of reasons that I want to go back to school. I could blame the economy, the desire to send Alex to a private high school, the need to help our family finances out.

But the real reason I want to become a nurse is because we have been through hell, but in going through hell, I have had wonderful people who have helped me down the road. Sometimes they were doctors, but most often they were nurses. And if I can take an experience that left me completely on my knees, as Joe's medical problems have, and be a blessing to other families, then that's what I want to do. So, no excuses. I've got too much work to do.